Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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