never play flip cup with pint glasses
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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