Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
