We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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