The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
