my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
