There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
