go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
