I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
