I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His hands were made for my vagina.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
