I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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