My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
handjob tips. give me some.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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