Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
