Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
