I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
