hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
