dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
