If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
