in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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