I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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