I wish my penis had an off switch
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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