I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
