My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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