Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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