I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
