I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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