cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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