The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
