My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
