That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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