i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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