I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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