when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I am available for nakedness
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
