Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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