Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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