Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
