Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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