He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
