i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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