alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
