i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Randomize
