If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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