Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
