So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
