I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
