my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
