My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
