Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
