You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
