Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
this hospital has no fireball
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
